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Holiday Arguments
0224 days
by admino
in Smoked Pig
Relationships have a point that all sane men fear: The annual holiday with the girlfriend. It goes without saying; The minute she (or her friends – whatever comes first) regard you two as a couple, demands for a fortnight for two away somewhere hot are guaranteed. And don’t even think of agreeing then putting it off somewhere down the line – she’ll be a fucking nightmare for the rest of the year. You HAVE to go on holiday.
BEFORE YOU GO
Time to make the booking. Your mates’ have all told you what an excellent time they had with their girlfriends in a villa on some Greek island. “Excellent” you think. Cheap booze and peace & quiet. However, she’s just read Cosmopolitan magazine and has other ideas. Kenya, for two weeks. In August. “In the name of Christ you fucking idiot” you implore. “Al Qaeda will skin us alive and feed us to hyenas. And it’s 65 fucking degrees and raining”. Her face twists until it resembles a dog’s arse. “You can stop bitching, ‘cos I’ve already made the booking. With your credit card”. Christ.
SATURDAY
7am: Wake Up: As far as this goes, this is prime time for blazing rows. Rows so big they can split the earth open. Predictably, she’s on blob week. “so no funny business like last time you filthy animal”. Sadly, this is just the beginning.
9am: Packing: Her tongue is sharpening by the minute. You’re taking 3 pairs of socks, 3 of pants, 1 pair of shorts and 6 t-shirts. “Six shirts?” she rants. “So I suppose I can’t take anything can I?” She flips the suitcase over in anger and storms up to the bathroom, crying. You take out 3 t-shirts & repack, to include her hairdryer, 10 pairs of identical shoes, and all the make up she’s ever bought.
10am: To The Airport: “We’re late, we’re late, we’re fucking laaate” She’s only just remembered you’re meant to be boarding at 9am, but she won’t check the tickets “In case it’s true”. You breathe deeply and count to 10. She’s never learned to drive because she can’t be bothered and she doesn’t read maps to get you to the airport quicker. You harbour images of her being sucked out the plane toilet at 20,000 feet.
11am: Airport: You arrive. Six fucking hours early. She’s still worried you’ll miss the flight. At check-in you bundle the 5 bags you’re carrying to the woman, stow away the parking tickets and keys, hold the bag full of women’s mags and her travel pillow, call your mate who’s feeding the cat, check the car booking for when you arrive, and notify the hotel in advance. All she’s got to look after are the passports. “Oh, I though you were doing it”. She glares at you. She knows she’s wrong but she’s not budging. Back home in the car, return to the airport with the documents. Still 3 hours to go.
6pm: On The Plane: “I’m not eating this shit. There’s no legroom. Can’t you move up a bit? Wish I could smoke. Those hostesses are fucking rude. This bloke behind me is winding me up”. All the things that were annoying you, now annoy you double, because she’s moaning about them. You can’t take it, “Look, for fuck’s sake. Just shut up will you? Please?” The high altitude leads to more tears. The pilot comes over & informs you that you’ll be arrested at the airport if you raise your voice again, while she quivers like you’ve just smacked shit out of her.
11:30pm: At The Hotel: Her eyes are red like a baboons arse, and she’s getting pricklier by the minute. She spies a cobweb in the room and screams. “There’s no fucking spiders, love” you try to calm her with. She shakes, “G-e-e-t m-e-ee o-u-u-ut of h-e-e-ere NOW!!!!” Downstairs, you spend an hour explaining that you’re saddled with a mad bitch and require alternative accommodation.
SUNDAY
7am: Breakfast: Come on, it’s a holiday. You need a lie-in, but she’s not interested. “Let’s have breakfast, we never have breakfast together”. You go down and chew on a stale bread roll and a black banana. “You wanted to come here” she retorts. You see red. 10 minutes later you’re banned from the dining room for blue language.
8pm: Local Nightclub: You go up to the bar to get a couple of drinks. It’s a shit nightclub, but for once she looks happy enough. On your return, she’s surrounded by 5 massive local lads. The stop talking and stare at you like shit on their shoe. “come on love, let’s go” you suggest. “Oh guys, this is my boyfriend” she says. One leans over and whispers “Your woman, I am going to fuck her tonight”. He grins and pulls his shirt back to reveal a machete. Once you escape with her, she thinks you’re a jealous racist. You wait until inside the taxi before you really let rip.
MONDAY
5pm: Hotel Bar: You’ve been gasping for a proper drink, and finally she makes up her mind that she wouldn’t mind one. You buy her a vodka and red bull and a pint of lager for yourself, and watch a veil of madness draw over her face. After 2 hours of lechery, giggling and unfunny innuendo, she gags on her 3rd drink and you spend the rest of the evening keeping her hair out of the toilet as she throws up. “You bastard” she says the next day. “How could you let me get that drunk?” “You only had 3!” you yell back. “Well that’s it. We’re not drinking until we get back”. She leaves it hanging in the air, itching for a row.
TUESDAY
12pm: At The Pool: At last, a chance to unwind. You’ve got the last 2 sunbeds, a cold drink and feel like nodding off for pleasantly for a couple of hours. You don’t even flinch when she says “Oh it’s too bloody hot. I told you I don’t like it too hot” ” Why don’t you go for a swim & leave me in peace, eh?” you offer. When you wake up an hour later, there’s a lad sitting next to you. “Christ mate” he nudges your arm with. “Have you seen that chick over there with her tits out? One minute she was on the Bacardi’s, next she’s giving it the Stringfellows routine!” She is standing on a table, stripping, with a group of builders egging her on. Later, she blames you. “I told you I dint’ like it hot. Why didn’t you stop me, you bastard? God, you hate me…” You raise your hand and the boy who was sitting beside you grabs it from behind. “Eh, this bloke giving you shit, love?” Chriiiist.
3pm: On The Beach: “If that’s what you want, my sweet.” is all you can say when she demands her sand time. It’s absolutely roasting down there and she cooks herself like a lamb shank. “Right, I’m going topless” is all she says. “If you get your fun bags out, it’s all over” you say. Moments later your face is wrapped in her bikini and she’s offered ice creams, bracelets and foot-rubs. “They’re sooo friendly here” she says. “You daft, blind slag” is all you can manage. 3 hours later, she tells you you’ve been using oil instead of protection cream. You now glow hotter than the sun and have melted the sand beneath you into glass.
WEDNESDAY
7am: Shopping: She gets it into her head that she wants to visit the ‘local’ flea market on the day you’re recovering from 3rd degree burns and sunstroke. It’s 4 and a half hours’ journey on an unventilated coach, every pothole is bringing uncontrollable outbursts of agony and nausea. You’re too weak to argue at this point, despite her looking over and tutting every 30 seconds. You need sympathy. You get 6 hours in a slum, with con-men selling hooky watches and driftwood ’sculptures’. “Come on pet” you plead. “This stuff is half the price on the resort, let’s get to a cafe”. “You ignorant pig” she replies, slapping your arm and making you gag. You estimate the national sentence for murder and weigh up your options.
6pm: Restaurant: “Eh, I’ll have the Ethethethes Methethetheses, grassy arse” she shouts as you shake your head with ingrained bitterness. You order egg and chips. There’s only 2 days left of this hell and you’re not spending it on porcelain. When her dinner arrives, it’s 2 bulls testicles, a goat’s eye with a horse’s dick through it and blue stallion sauce. “I can’t eat this, You’ll have to have it”. And with that she deftly swaps plates. The nausea returns as you battle to eat this car accident of a meal. You spend the next 2 days on the toilet squeezing out a drizzle of blood from your anus, while she complains about you being ‘unadventurous’. Too weak to argue, you reach for her toothbrush and dip it in.
SATURDAY
The Flight Back: “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. That’s the last time I go on holiday with you. I knew I should’ve gone to Magaluf with the girls. You actually enjoyed wasting my time and money, didn’t you?” It’s all or nothing now, and you let rip with a huge, primal scream. 20,000 feet below, chimpanzees return the cry. Lions wake up and roar at the sky. Birds leave their roosts and trees are split open. Oxygen masks fall from above. “Ooh, get you!” she replies. “I hope YOU’VE enjoyed yourself, you PRICK!”
3 DAYS LATER
You realise that you’ve been using the wrong toothbrush.
Demon Possession is it real or just a mental disorder
0770 days
by admino
in Smoked Pig
Just about everyone these days has heard about ‘ demon possession ‘, it was made a household name by the 1973 movie ‘ The Exorcist ‘, and again it has become popular after the 2005 movie ‘ The Exorcism Of Emily Rose ‘. To myself and thousands of others, we have known and believed in demon possession for a long time from another source, the Holy Bible. The Bible written in sections or books, some more than a couple thousand years ago, tells us all we need to know about demon possession and that it is a very real condition.
In this day and age, when you mention demons or demon possession, most folks laugh or joke about it. Do these same folks laugh and joke about the Holy Bible ? To laugh and joke about the belief of demons and demon possession, is the same as laughing and joking about the Holy Bible and the word of God. If you are a true Christian and you believe in the Holy Bible as being the divinely inspired word of God, then you should have no doubts about the existence of demons and demon possession.
What are demons ? Demons are supernatural beings with great power and knowledge, their knowledge comes from not just their high intelligence, but the fact that they have been alive since before the earth was created. They are often called or known as ‘ fallen angels ‘, in fact that is exactly what they are. When satan rebelled against God, he along with his followers, (1/3 rd of the angels of heaven), were cast out of the Third Heaven, where God’s throne and the actual city or place called Heaven currently exists. These ex-angels, now called ‘ demons ‘, were banished forever from the 3rd heaven where they once worshipped God and his son Jesus. Now for thousands of years, they have been condemned to live in what is called heavens 1 and 2, this area encompasses the planet earth, the sky above it, the stars, planets and the solar systems beyond it.
Demons are usually invisible in their natural state to the human eye, but they can take on any solid form they wish, and then we can see them. Demons can appear as wips of what looks like smoke, lasting only a few seconds, or at other times they look like fleeting shadows, often seen out of the corners of the eyes. They can take on any shape they choose, even an animal, they can appear solid or transparent and ghost-like.
What does the Bible tell us about demons and some of their abilities:
Demons seem to desire a body to possess or use as a host, like a parasite. It could be that when they were cast down from Heaven that they were changed into another form, or they just have a strong desire to control and cause as much trouble to humans as they possibly can. In ‘ Mark 5:12 ‘, when Jesus was exorcising demons from a possessed man, the demons spoke to Jesus and begged him, saying: ‘ Send us among the herd of pigs; allow us to go into them ‘.
Demons have great strength. In ‘ Luke 8:29 ‘, a man was possessed by demons, and while possessed he was able to break chains easily, the demons also made the man want to dwell among graves and lonely places.
The demons are responsible for many of the diseases and illnesses that people have. In ‘ Luke 11:14 ‘ , a man that had been mute and unable to speak, became able to speak normaly when Jesus removed a demon from him.
What are some causes of demon possession ? Sin. yes, sin is the cause or thing that leads to someone being controlled and ultimately possessed by demonic forces:
Abuse – Some folks claim they were abused as children, and this has brought them under the control of demons.
Occult Activity – Reading and trying spells and other things in occult books.
Spirit communication – Using an ouija board, channeling, or automatic writing, is an open door to demon possession.
Astrology and Fortune Telling – Using ones horoscope or visiting a fortune teller to know the future is wrong according to the bible, clearly a warning that demonic forces are involved with it.
Music and Movies – Movies and music can be fun and inspirational, but most of the movies today are very sinful. Todays movies are full of such sinful things as sexual encounters that are out of marriage or with the same sex, cussing or using Jesus’s name in vain, and there are numerous movies these days that show or try to let us think that dabbling with spells, sorcery and witchcraft are ok, when the Bible clearly says that any witchcraft or sorcery is wrong and can open the door to demon forces.
Sexual perversions – Pornography is very addicitve and often leads to more and more perverted sexual desires, such as same sex encounters and sex with animals which is growing more and more in todays perverted world, all of which is evil and wrong according to the Bible and Jesus. Demons can use these filthy and perverted desires to weaken our wills and mental states, until we allow them to enter us, and possess us.
There are many other activites and things that can ultimately lead to someone becoming possessed and controlled by demon forces, but the main cause is sin.
There are a lot of folks that say demon possession is just symptoms of either a mental illness or some other medical condition, or sickness. This can be true at times when the person does have a medical problem, but in a true case of demon possession, there will be signs or activity that NO sickness or disease can manifest, such as:
Knowledge of future events and hidden things – Demon possessed people have been known to gain a sudden knowledge about things that was never shared with others, or to even reveal future events that come true.
Superhuman strength – Possessed individuals have been known to break ropes, chains and other restraints with ease, and it often takes up to 4 full grown men to hold a demon possessed child down.
Speaking in unknown or strange languages – Demon possessed inviduals who have no prior knowledge of foreign languages have been known to start taking fluently in strange languages or foreign tongues, such as Aramaic, Latin and other languages.
Levitation and Psychic Powers – Demon possessed individuals have been known to levitate and hover in the air in front of other witnesses, or cause objects in the room to move by themselves.
Smells – Often in the presence of a demon possessed individual the surrounding air will become so horriblly smelling that folks will get sick, the smell has been described as the smell of cancer or death, or even sulphur.
Reaction to Holy relics or sacred items – Demon possessed individuals have been known to fear or even react violently to crosses, bible reading, holy water or other sacred relics and symbols. In one case of demon possession in pennsylvania in the early 1980s a young man, who was possessed had his head covered with a sack, so he could not see. He held his hands behind his back and a few different items were placed in his hands, when a cross was dropped into his hand, it burned his skin and became hot to others that touched it.
The best way to avoid demon activity and possession in your life is to avoid sin as much as possible. Read your bible as often as you can, go to a nice bible believing church, and most importantly, accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour, repent of your sins, and try not to sin like you did before your conversion.
As we are now living in what I call the ‘ End Times ‘, we will be seeing and hearing a lot more news about possession and demon activity. If you would like to know a lot more about the ‘ End Times ‘, and read some great Christian articles on such subjects as ‘Being Saved, Armageddon, The Rapture, and much more, visit the website: ‘ Signs Of The End Times ‘
http://www.rb59.com/end-times
By Robert W. Benjamin
Kids & Dogs – A Common Sense Approach
0773 days
by admino
in Smoked Pig
Statistics show the most bitten member of American society are children under the age of 12 and most dog bites causing serious injury involve medium to large sized dogs with children under the age of 5. The dog is usually known to the child or is the family’s pet.
To understand how these bites occur, what causes them and how to prevent them, a little education in the nature of dogs and the nature of small children will help shed some light on these aggressive behaviours.
A dog’s temperament is first inherited (this is deeply ingrained responses to the world surrounding them and is unchangeable), and then modified by events and/or proper training in his life.
Genetics: Some breeds and certain bloodlines within breeds are friendlier, more suited to living in a family environment, more tolerant with children and more adaptable to training. Most of their actions are instinctive. By default, a dog will react to situations according to what his instincts tell him unless these instincts are overridden by the consistent training and socialization he needs to receive from his owner throughout his life.
Some unscrupulous breeders who sometimes intentionally breed dogs without adequate knowledge of dog behaviour may use unsuitable dogs (i.e. those with poor temperaments) for breeding. These are dogs that are mentally unpredictable or have illness or physical defects that affect their behaviour.
A dog’s basic temperament, instincts and training have the biggest effects on how that dog reacts to the world around him and his levels of tolerance. Therefore, a responsible breeder should always put emphasis on good temperament when selecting breeding stock.
Past events & experiences with children: If your dog has had several painful or frightening encounters in the past with children, then he is probably going to be apprehensive around children, sometimes to the point of being aggressive. On the other hand, a well-socialised dog from an early age takes stressful and unusual situations in his own stride. Such dogs tend to be much less fearful of a busy family environment with noisy and unpredictable children around.
Here is one of the most commonly reported scenarios in a bite case:
A very young child sees a pretty dog he’d like to pet. The dog may not want to be petted. The dog’s first instinctive reaction is to show his displeasure by giving a warning — growling. The growl means that something more unpleasant will follow if the warning isn’t heeded.
Almost any dog will bite under the right circumstances.
A dog is an animal whose behaviour isn’t the same as humans and can’t always be predicted with 100 percent accuracy, no matter how friendly or reliable he is.
The type and number of warnings that a dog gives out can vary, few dogs actually will strike without giving some form of indication beforehand. When faced with a child in this situation, normally many dogs would just walk away. Walking away can be considered a form of warning.
If the child keeps trying to pet the dog, a sterner warning, usually a growl, will ensue. Other types of warnings can be more subtle – for instance, a stiffening of the body and showing of its teeth. Small children may not recognise this as a form of warning or understand what a growl means even though it may be quite obvious to an adult.
Dogs instinctively set up an invisible “fight or flight” boundary around themselves as their safety zone. The size of this boundary depends on his level of confidence and tolerance. A fearful dog will give itself a wider area than a more stable one.
When someone whom the dog perceives as threatening invades his area, the dog reacts either by running away or staying put to fight and defend itself no matter how afraid it might be. Some dogs will choose to fight first, rather than run.
A small child who keeps petting or hugging a dog has already intruded well within the dog’s flight or fight boundary. If the dog’s attempts to warn the child fail, the dog (in his mind) has no other recourse — he bites. This is a perfectly acceptable and instinctive behaviour to the dog. He is responding to what he perceives as a threat and is doing what his instincts tell him to.
Dogs do not think in the same way as humans do. A child’s innocent action, petting the dog, can often be provocation for a bite.
Don’t forget dogs have predatory instincts. Running, playing, screaming kids can trigger an instinctive predator-prey reaction in some dogs. Children who wrestle with dogs unknowingly encourage them to use their teeth and provoke a bite. Dogs equate this kind of play with littermates or other dogs where using teeth is allowed. Startling a sleeping dog or petting him when he’s eating can also bring about the same dangerous reaction from the dog.
Guidelines for families who already have a dog or are thinking of getting a dog for the children and what can be done to prevent dogs from attacking children:
* Take your time when looking for a dog. Research, do your homework, learn the differences in the various breeds and choose one that best suits your lifestyle and experience.
* Be honest with yourself about the amount of time and work you’re willing to invest in a dog. If you don’t have time to raise and train the dog properly, don’t get one.
* Consider postponing the purchase of a dog, especially a large one, until your children are at least 6 years old.
* Never leave any child under the age of 12 unattended with any dog or puppy. So keep supervision a strict rule in your household.
* Babies and toddlers should always be kept higher than the dog and keep your young children off the floor when there is a dog in the same room. This is to make sure that the dog (that sees the world in hierarchy) sees your children as a leader and not a littermate which it will boss around, push over, growl at and even bite.
* Educate and involve your children in your dog’s care even if they are small tasks – for example you child can instruct the dog to sit before you put the food bowl down, help brush and groom the dog with you holding the collar, attach 2 leashes to your dog so that you child can hold onto one too. This level of involvement from an early stage will help the dog build a positive association with your children.
* Avoid giving your dog items that it can get possessive over with children around such as pig’s ears, smoked bones, rawhide etc. It is very important to rain your dog to allow things to be taken away from his mouth by trading higher value treats for the item first.
* Obedience training and socialization are an absolute must for a dog that will be spending time with children. Remember that a dog will act according to his instincts if he doesn’t receive proper training or if that training isn’t kept up through regular practice. The dog needs to be taught to obey commands under all conditions no matter how distracting. Just as responding to the command to “come” could save the dog’s life someday, an immediate response to the command “leave it!” could save a child from serious injury.
* Children need to be taught how to be respectful to dogs. They need to learn what kinds of games are appropriate, how to touch the dog properly, how to interpret the dog’s body language and when the dog is not to be disturbed. Avoid wrestling, spanking, kicking, ear pulling, pony-riding, tug of war, fur grabbing, toy hitting, rough play and chasing.
* Telling the toddler to stay away from the dog just isn’t enough! Your children may be too young to understand, so it will be up to you to physically supervise them and protect them from potential harm. Remember that young children do not recognise when they may be in trouble. Adult supervision around children and dogs is absolutely critical. Small children should never, ever be left alone with any dog, no matter how reliable the dog has been before.
* Buy your dog from a reputable, responsible breeder who puts priority on good temperament and health and consistently produces dogs that excel in those areas. Choose a breeder who’s experienced and willing to guide and advise you about care and training throughout the dog’s life.
* Teach your children how to behave correctly and safely around dogs and to respect them. In order to promote a healthy relationship between your dog and your children, educate your children about the way they should treat a dog – for example dogs should be petted softly, stay away from food dishes, toys and bones and not to startle the dog especially when it’s sleeping.
* Remember that what your dog tolerates from your own children may not be tolerated from someone else’s. You need to take extra safety precautions when other children visit and make sure that the children obey your ground rules.